Relationships
09-16

You have heard that it was said, YOU SHALL LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR and hate your enemy.' "But I say to you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, so that you may be sons of your Father who is in heaven; for He causes His sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. (Matthew 5:43-44)

Jesus’ command to love our enemies is a hard enough commandment in itself when we think of our enemies as people who want to do us physical harm like terrorists or people in another country but it becomes even harder when we realize that our enemies are often people much closer to us like our coworkers and even family members.  How then are we to put this tough teaching of Christ into practice?  I personally have found these psychological practices that help me love the people in my life whether I consider them my enemy or not. 

1.            Positive or Negative Charge.
The first one I wish to talk about I learned about from a management class for priests called Good Leaders Good Shepherds.  The instructor stood up in front of the classroom of priests and asked each one of us to state our three most positive qualities.  I told the room that I was “smart,” “organized” and “loyal,” and the room of priests all agreed that those three words described me very well.  Then the instructor asked each of us to state the negative expression of each of those traits.   Not the opposite but the negative.  So for “smart” I said “know it all,” for “organized” I said “control freak,” and for “loyal” I said “follower.”  All the priests in the room agreed that those words also described me very well also.  I began to realize then that sometimes when people are looking at me with a negative bent they are seeing my positive qualities in a negative light and I also realize that I am guilty of doing that to others as well.  So now when I am really frustrated with someone, I try to take the time to find the positive expression of the negative thing I am seeing.  It has helped me greatly in my struggle to love everyone.

2.            Positive Sentiment Override.
The second thing is very similar in the sense that psychologists tell us that we treat people better when our positive feelings for them out weight our negative feelings toward them.  I therefore take the time to think of positive attributes of a person before I meet with them about something.  I especially do this when I am meeting with someone I find extremely difficult to work with.

3.            Fundamental Attribution Error.
Another great thing I learned about people is that our first instinct is to criticize people more when they do bad things.  We will often say that they did the bad thing because they were evil or rotten but instead of saying the same thing about ourselves we are more likely to blame our circumstances.  I had to do it because… This is what psychologists refer to as the Fundamental Attribution Error.  It basically means that we often attribute for more cynical motives to others people behavior than our own.  Realizing that this is a fault that we all share in helps me understand that the other person more than likely did not plan to hurt me in the way that they did and therefore I am able to forgiven them easier.

4.            Avoid Zero Sum Game.
A lot of our society is based on competition.  The idea being if I am winning someone else is losing and if someone else is winning I must be losing.  A lot of life though is not competition but rather opportunities for us to see that another person’s successes are my successes and my success are other people’s successes.  Maybe the best way to describe this is that there is a certain maturity level that happens when one can play a game with a preschooler and let the preschooler win.  Seeing the joy in the preschooler’s face is worth more than any easy victory over the child could ever give. 

5.            Firm Identity in God.
The key and most fundamental part of all of this is what is your identity rooted in?  If it is rooted in other’s people opinions then you will always be in a precarious situation because people’s attitudes are often very fickle.  If your identity however is rooted in the knowledge that God loves you and has made you special then the storm can rock your most in most calm.

Art historians love to tell the story of a how a piece of marble rejected by the famous Renaissance sculptor Donatello because he considered it imperfect and flawed was turned into probably one of the most famous sculptures ever Michelangelo’s David.
 
It is said that Donatello took only a quick and dismissive look at the piece of marble but Michelangelo took the time to step back and see the potential of the piece of marble. 
 
The great painter of the Sistine Chapel and sculptor of the Pieta in St. Peter’s Basilica in Rome was able to look past the flaws and imperfections that Donatello saw to see the true beauty locked inside the huge piece of marble.
 
When describing his method of sculpting Michelangelo declared “every block of stone has a statue inside it and it is the task of the sculptor to discover it.”
 
The same is true with each person.  Ever person has the image of God inside them and it is up to us to discover each person’s potential as Michelangelo did with the piece of marble that Donatello rejected.

Fr. Thomas M. Pastorius
April 7, 2013
Spiritual Ponderings
5 Love Languages

I was recently hanging out with a group of young adults and they began talking about something that I had never heard before. They were asking each other and me what their “love language” was. I had to admit that I had no idea what they were talking about and after a few moments of gloating over the fact that they knew something that I did not know they explained what they were talking about and told me to read a book by Gary Chapman called: The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts. I found the book and Dr. Chapman’s theory of love languages very intriguing and so I thought I would share and ponder with you his ideas for the month of April.

Dr. Chapman’s theory is that just as people speak different verbal languages like English, French, Spanish, etc. People also speak different love languages. Most problems in relationships especially marriage happen because couples do not always speak the same love language as the person they are trying to love. I was told by my high school French teacher that I spoke French like a Spanish Speaking Cow and because I cannot speak French or Spanish I cannot understand what a person speaking French of Spanish is saying. In a similar way if I am speaking one love language and the person I am trying to love is speaking another then he or she will not be able to understand me. Before we get into Dr. Chapman’s five love languages I think there are a few other ideas from Dr. Chapman that we should explore. Quotes from Dr. Chapman are in bold.

Dr. Chapman points out in his book: “Psychologists have concluded that the need to feel love is a primary human emotional need. For love, we will climb mountains, cross seas, traverse desert sands, and endure untold hardships. Without love, mountains become un-climbable, seas un-crossable, deserts unbearable, and hardships our lot in life.” He goes on to use the image of the “Love Tank” which can easily be compared to a gas tank. When a person’s love tank is full he or she they are ready to conquer the world but when it is empty they feel like they have been squished and beat up by the world. Just like a car can only go with gas in the fuel tank so a person can only go with love in its love tank. Sometimes our need for love can drive us to seek attention and love in bad ways if our love tank is empty: “Much of the misbehavior of children is motivated by the cravings of an empty ‘love tank.’”

Another key insight of Dr. Chapman is that “falling in love” and “real love” are actually two different things physically and emotionally. Listen to Dr. Chapman’s description of being “falling in-love” as a natural emotional high that comes from the idea that someone might want to make me the center of their world. We believe that we will always make the perfect choices and always be forgiving and always loving toward each other. Dr. Chapman goes on to point out though: “Unfortunately, the eternality of the in-love experience is fiction, not fact.”

The end of the “falling in love” experience though does not have to be the end of the relationship. Dr. Chapman points out: “Research seems to indicate that there is a third and better alternative: We can recognize the in-love experience for what it was-a temporary emotional high—and not pursue “real love” with our spouse. That kind of love is emotional in nature but not obsessional. It is a love that unites reason and emotion. It involves an act of the will and requires discipline, and it recognizes the need for personal growth. Our most basic emotional need is not to fall in love but to be genuinely loved by another, to know a love that grows out of reason and choice, not instinct. I need to be loved by someone who chooses to love me, who sees in me something worth loving.

That kind of love requires effort and discipline. It is the choice to expand energy in an effort to benefit the other person, knowing that if his or her life in enriched by your effort, you too will find a sense of satisfaction—the satisfaction of having genuinely loved another. It does not require the euphoria of the in-love experience. In fact, true love cannot begin until the in-love experience has run its course.

We cannot take credit for the kind and generous things we do while under the influence of “the obsession.” We are pushed and carried along by an instinctual force that goes beyond our normal behavior patterns. But if, once we return to the real world of human choice, we choose to be kind and generous, that is real love…

That is good news to the married couple who have lost all their “in-love” feelings. If love is a choice, then they have the capacity to love after the “in –love” obsession has died and they have returned to the real world.

Fr. Thomas M. Pastorius
April 28, 2013
Spiritual Ponderings
5 Love Languages

As we conclude our look at Dr. Chapman’s theory of the five love languages, I hope that you have found it helpful. I hope that you have been able to see why that sometimes when we think we are telling someone that we love them that they still walk away feeling unloved. I also hope that you may have been able to identify someone in your life who has been trying to love you but has been doing so in the wrong language. We still have two more love languages to look at.

The Fourth Love Language: Acts of Service
Dr. Chapman very early on in chapter seven points out what he means by “acts of service”: “By acts of service, I mean doing things you know your spouse would like you to do. You seek to please her by serving her, to express you love for her by doing for her.” These actions can be such things as cooking, setting the table, washing the dishes, vacuuming, changing a dirty diaper, etc.

In his treatment of the fourth love language Dr. Chapman points out three important truths about this love language. The first truth is that “what we do for each other before marriage is no indication of what we will do after marriage.” The second truth is that: “love is a choice that cannot be coerced.” You may be able to nag your partner to do something but that does not mean that he or she loves you by doing it. The third truth is that: “my spouse’s criticism about my behavior provides me with the clearest clue to her primary love language. People tend to criticize their spouse most loudly in the area where they themselves have the deepest emotional need.”

I learned in my life that making a fifteen minute phone call to my mom shows her love in ways that goes beyond the words “I love you.” While I did not always feel like making that call in the business of my everyday life and my desire to be an independent adult when I was in college, I learned that making that call showed mom I loved her and so I did. Make the choice to love.

Suggestions on how to speak the love language of Acts of Service
1. Make a list of all the requests your spouse has made of you over the past few weeks. Select one each week and do it as an expression of love.
2. Ask your spouse to make a list of ten things he or she would like you to do during the next month.
3. While your spouse is away get the children to help you with some act of service toward him or her.
4. What one act of service has your spouse nagged about consistently? Why not decide to do that item?

The last of the love languages is Physical Touch
“Physical touch is also a powerful vehicle for communicating marital love. Holding hands, kissing, embracing, and sexual intercourse are all ways of communicating emotional love to one’s spouse. For some individuals, physical touch is their primary love language. Without it they feel unloved. With it, their emotional tank is filled, and they feel secure in the love of their spouse,” according to Dr. Chapman.

It is important to realize that “physical touch can make or break a relationship. It can communicate hate or love. To the person whose primary love language is physical touch, the message will be far louder than the words “I hate you” or “I love you.”

Suggestions on how to speak the love language of Physical touch
1. As you walk from the car to go shopping , reach out and hold your spouse’s hand.

2. Walk up to your spouse and say “Have I told you lately that I love you?” and give him or her a hug.

3. While your spouse is seated go over to her and give her a back massage.

4. Make sure to touch your spouse by holding hands or putting your arm around him when others are around especially other family members.

5. When your spouse returns home make sure to give him or her hug and a big welcome.

Grasshopper Thinking
You can place a grasshopper in a jar with a lid on it and after a while the grasshopper will stop trying to get out.  The grasshopper will feel so defeated that you can remove the lid and the grasshopper will not jump of the jar because he had become conditioned to think that he can jump no higher. 
 
The truth of the matter is that just because we fail at something one time or over and over again, this does not mean that we are destined to never overcome the obstacle in front of us.  We can grow and develop more skills and we can grow stronger and not to mention wiser with more experiences there is the possibility that we can overcome old obstacles.  Even if we do not change, the environment and conditions around us may change and thus allow us to also overcome the obstacle.  Simple speaking is that because we fail one time does not mean we are destined to fail again and again.  It just means that we need to approach the obstacle from a different perspective. 

Elephant Thinking

Animal trainers when first capturing an elephant from the wild must use a very heavy chain to imprison the elephant and limit its movements.  Eventually though the elephant will get us to its limits and then all the animal trainer need is a piece of string.  We can find ourselves thinking like elephants when we all our past hurts prevent us from trying again.  Sometimes we begin to think like elephants and we refuse to try again because we are afraid to get hurt again. 

Monkey Thinking
Did you know that the easiest way to catch a monkey is to place a flashy object in an old log or box?  When the monkey reaches into the log and grabs the item he cannot let go no matter what.  It is much easier to catch a monkey when he is attached to a log than when he is running around free.  Sometimes we can let our attachments to physical things slow us down.

ANT Thinking
I love the word ANTS as an acronym for Automatic Negative Thoughts.  Just as ants can ruin a picnic on a good day so ANTS can ruin our peace of mind if we do not handle them well.  The best way to handle an ANT is to first notice them and then judge their validity fairly.  When we judge them correctly we realize that most ANTS are not true or only partially true.  Once we have noticed ANTS and addressed them we need to replace them with positive true thoughts.

The Mouse Trap
I came across the story on a leadership website.  I thought it was a simple but profound parable.

A mouse looked through the crack in the wall to see the farmer and his wife open a package. “What food might this contain?” the mouse wondered. He was devastated to discover it was a mousetrap.  Retreating to the farmyard, the mouse proclaimed the warning: “There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house!”

                 The chicken clucked and scratched, raised her head and said, “Mr. Mouse, I can tell this is a grave concern to you, but it is of no consequence to me. I cannot be bothered by it.”
 
                The mouse turned to the pig and told him, “There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house!” The pig sympathized, but said, “I am so very sorry, Mr. Mouse, but there is nothing I can do about it but pray. Be assured you are in my prayers.”
 
                The mouse turned to the cow and said, “There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house!” The cow said, “Wow, Mr. Mouse. I’m sorry for you, but it’s no skin off my nose.”
 
                So, the mouse returned to the house, head down and dejected, to face the farmer’s mousetrap alone.
 
                That very night a sound was heard throughout the house – like the sound of a mousetrap catching its prey. The farmer’s wife rushed to see what was caught. In the darkness, she did not see it was a venomous snake whose tail the trap had caught.
 
                The snake bit the farmer’s wife. The farmer rushed her to the hospital and she returned home with a fever. Everyone knows you treat a fever with fresh chicken soup, so the farmer took his hatchet to the farmyard for the soup’s main ingredient.   But his wife’s sickness continued, so friends and neighbors came to sit with her around the clock. To feed them, the farmer butchered the pig.   The farmer’s wife did not get well; she died. So many people came for her funeral; the farmer had the cow slaughtered to provide enough meat for all of them.
 
                The mouse looked upon it all from his crack in the wall with great sadness. So, the next time you hear someone is facing a problem and think it doesn’t concern you, remember, when one of us is threatened, we are all at risk.  
 
We are all involved in this journey called life. We must keep an eye out for one another and make an extra effort to encourage one another. Each of us is a vital thread in another person’s tapestry.

Who is the King of the Jungle
There was a young lion who wandered from his father to test whether or not he would get the same respect from the other animals as his father did. As the young lion approached some monkeys, he roared and asked, "WHO IS THE KING OF THE JUNGLE?" The monkeys, being afraid, responded, "YOU are!"
 
The lion replied, "And don't you forget it!" The lion repeated this to each animal in the jungle and got the same response until he came across a herd of elephants.
 
The little lion roared and asked, "WHO IS THE KING OF THE JUNGLE?" The big bull elephant walked closer to the lion, swooped him up in his trunk, swung him around and around and finally threw him in the river. Battered and wet, the little lion replied, "Just because you didn't know the answer to the question didn't mean you had to get nasty about it!"
 
Most of us roar through life without God in the same way - as if we are kings of the jungle - until life throws us in a tail spin and shows us that we are not.

The Elephant and the Ostritch Egg
There was once an elephant that was out walking and minding his own business when he came upon the nest of an ostrich filled with giant eggs.
 
The ostrich was nowhere in sight, perhaps it had been scared away by a predator or maybe the ostrich had gone off to gather food for soon to hatch baby. 
 
Seeing the eggs lying alone in the nest, the elephant was moved with compassion.  “How can a mother behave so irresponsibly?” wondered the elephant, “the ostrich should have at least covered her eggs.  What will happen if another animal comes?  They might come and steal the eggs or even destroy them?”
 
The elephant’s heart was filled with love for the tender lives growing inside those eggs and the elephant made an important decision, “I can’t leave these eggs unprotected.  I will give them my warmth until their mother returns.”  The elephant then sat on the ostrich eggs and in doing so the elephant accidently smashed them all.
 
The eggs were crushed under the weight of the elephant.  The compassion and care shown by the elephant was indeed commendable.  However, there was a sever flaw—the shortage of prudence.  If we show compassion without prudence, we too can cause great misery.
 
The unwise use of our gifts can ruin the Church instead of building it up.  We are called to preach and share the Gospel.  However, unwise preaching makes the Gospel unattractive to listeners.  When we give alms, or offer service, and give advice we must do so always with prudence. 

How many Legs does a Cow Have?
There is a story about Abraham Lincoln who was arguing with a political opponent.
"How many legs does a cow have?" he asked his adversary.

"Four, of course," came the disgusted reply.

"That's right," agreed Lincoln. "Now suppose you call the cow's tail a leg; how many legs would the cow have?

"Why, five, of course," was the confidant reply.

"Now, that's where you're wrong," said Lincoln. "Calling a cow's tail a leg doesn't make it a leg."

A relationship without trust is like a car without gas,
you can stay in it all you want, but it won’t go anywhere

“Christian love draws no distinction between one enemy and another, except that the more bitter our enemy's hatred, the greater his need of love. Be his enmity political or religious, he has nothing to expect from a follower of Jesus but unqualified love. In such love there is not inner discord between the private person and official capacity. In both we are disciples of Christ, or we are not Christians at all.” ― Dietrich Bonhoeffer, The Cost of Discipleship