Fr. Thomas M. Pastorius March 6, 2015 Spiritual Ponderings 21 Undeniable Secrets of Marriage Part II
I hope that you have been enjoying these insights or “secrets” about building strong marriages in which I believe we can all use to build strong relationships. Dr. Allen Hunt’s book
The 21 Undeniable Secrets of Marriage has been a good resource to help us ponder what it takes to have a good marriage and other healthy relationships. Quotes from his book will be in bold and my commentary or reflections will be regular font.
12. The Secret of Separation: Cleaving means cleaving.
When cleaving occurs, two things (or in this case two people) combine so intensely that it is almost impossible to separate them. They are passionately connected to each other. They are not merely roommates or friends of convenience. Here is one of my favorite poems about marriage: I didn't marry you because you were perfect. I didn't even marry you because I loved you. I married you because you gave me a promise. That promise made up for your faults. And the promise I gave you made up for mine. Two imperfect people got married and it was the promise that made the marriage. And when our children were growing up, it wasn't a house that protected them; and it wasn't our love that protected them - it was that promise.
In the same way, for a marriage to really thrive, it must stand on its own. If either set of in-laws meddles, hovers, and controls; the new marriage will struggle to stand on its own. Either the man did not fully leave his mother and father, or the woman’s parents are preventing him from truly cleaving to his new wife. In either example, the new marriage will be weak and dependent rather than strong and fully independent. All relationships are going to have their problem but if a relationship is going to last the test of time both people in it need to learn to work together to solve their problems rather than looking outside the relationship for someone else to fix it.
The deepest lessons for marriage often come through the University of Hard Knocks. Some things simply cannot be learned in a book. Some things you will learn only when you live them. Facing conflicts with a friend only strengthens the friendship.
13. The Secret of Insiders: When in doubt, turn toward your mate.
Don’t marry someone you can live with; marry someone you can’t live without. That was the secret of the best friend. In the same way, if you have a best friend outside the marriage, know that you may well be entering treacherous waters. One of the first pieces of advice I give engage couples is that “if you cannot live without them then don’t live with them because God wants to independent people to enter into the Sacrament of Marriage. Even though it sounds completely opposite of Dr. Hunt’s rule I think we both mean the same thing. Don’t settle and marry just anyone so that you can be married. As Catholics we believe that God, if He is calling you to the Sacrament of Marriage, has made just one person in the rest of the world to be your spouse. Don’t settle for anyone else. God wants what and who is best for you. He knows who it is that will help you become your best self.
14. The Secret of Attention and Affection: Attention and affection work for a marriage like oxygen and water work for the human body.
Attention and affection work for a marriage like oxygen and water work for the human body. Most marriage do not end out of malice but rather out of neglect. Dr. Gottman had this to say: “One of the saddest reasons a marriage dies is that neither spouse recognizes its value until it is too late. Only after the papers have been signed, the furniture divided, and separate apartments rented to the execs realize how much they really gave up when they gave up on each other. Too often a good marriage is taken for granted rather than given the nurturing and respect it deserves and desperately needs.”