Fr. Thomas M. Pastorius March 20, 2016 Spiritual Ponderings 21 Undeniable Secrets of Marriage Part II
Most of us can be better at creating healthy relationships. Dr. Allen Hunt’s book
The 21 Undeniable Secrets of Marriage can be a good guide for anyone wishing to develop healthy relationships but especially those desiring a happy and healthy marriage. Quotes from his book will be in bold and my commentary or reflections will be regular font.
19. The Secret of Life: When two become one, that “one “has its own life.
When children arrive, the family grows into a new dimension all its own. The secret of life moves from the couple itself to the now-expanding family. No family consists merely of the individual members. Just as the one couple has a life in its own right, so too does the family unit take on its own existence as a whole. When a couple gets married, it is no longer about what is good for the individual but rather what is good for the family. This is especially true when children become a part of the family.
20. The Secret of Forgiveness: The most important word in a marriage and it’s not love.
What’s the most important word in a marriage? Think about it: the single-most crucial word for your marriage. What would that be? Perhaps it is love. Or you might think the crucial word is faithfulness. Then again, trust is an important word. And so is honesty. Commitment is too. But the most important word in a marriage is forgiveness. And along with forgiveness comes its spouse, grace. The most important thing I look for in a friendship is a person willingness to forgive because I know that I am going to make mistakes. In a good relationship and thus in a good marriage, forgiveness flows more freely than in bad relationships and marriages. I also know that I am more willing to strive to be better when someone forgives me then when someone punishes me for a mistake.
Show me a marriage teeming with forgiveness and grace and I will show you a healthy thriving marriage. Refusing to forgive and holding onto a grudge is like putting up roadblocks up on the roadway to happiness.
Forgiveness, however, needs to occur in the little things each day every bit as much as in the big things. We have to forgive the little things as much as the big things. We should also try to forgive as quick as possible.
Of course, you reduce the number of occasions for forgiveness by developing healthy conflict resolution skills. The following is some things I try to remember when resolving conflict.
“My fifth principle (practice good conflict resolution) comes down to having good manners” summarized Dr. Gottman.
1. Complain but don’t blame 2. Make statements that start with “I” instead of “You” 3. Describe what is happening, don’t evaluate or judge. 4. Be clear. 5. Be polite 6. Be appreciative 7. Don’t store things up.
Plus the prayer of St. Francis
Lord, make me an instrument of your peace. Where there is hatred, let me sow love; where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith; where there is despair, hope; where there is darkness, light; and where there is sadness, joy. O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console; to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love. For it is in giving that we receive; it is in pardoning that we are pardoned; and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life. Amen
21. The Secret of Eight: When you struggle focus on the 8
For you and me, the question is how to have a marriage permeated with joy, even on our worst days. The apostle Paul describes how to get to that kind of life: “Finally, brothers whatever is true, whatever is honorable whatever just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, what is gracious, if there is any excellence and if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.” (Philippians 4:8) Remember when you find yourself in conflict with your spouse or another person to always try to behave like Christ