Fr. Thomas M. Pastorius June 5, 2016 Spiritual Ponderings 10 Thoughts on Annulments
On the fourth Tuesday of the month, I host at Epiphany of Our Lord Parish an evening of prayer and faith witnessing, that I call a “Covenant Night.” On a side note: I believe these Covenant Nights are one of the best kept secrets in the Catholic Church and I would like to invite everyone to attend one. Our Covenant Nights begin with a speaker who I have chosen to come and share his or her faith life with the people who are attending. I basically ask the speakers to simply talk about why they are Catholic and how has God made an impact in their lives. I believe one of the great things about these Covenant Nights is that most of the people that I ask to speak are not professional Church speakers. They are just people who I have come to know and admire throughout my years in the seminary and as a priest.
A few of the people that I had invited to come and speak, I knew had gone to the annulment process and had remarried in the Catholic Church. While knowing this was a part of their background, I in no way tried to force them to speak about their experience of getting an annulment but to my great surprise each one of them did plus two other friends, who I had not known had been divorced and remarried talked about their annulment experience. The thing that surprised me the most was that they all used the same word to describe the process of getting an annulment and that word was “healing.” This was definitely not a word that I was expecting to hear in a conversation about annulments. As we continue Pope Francis’s Year of Mercy, I would like to share with you 10 thoughts about Annulments that I hope will give you a better understanding the Catholic Church’s teaching on Marriage. For help with this I am turning to Rev. Ronal T. Smith’s book called Annulment: A Step-By-Step Guide for Divorced Catholics.
1. Annulments Can Be Healing As I listen to each of the speakers talk about the annulment process and how they found it healing I saw some patterns immerging that I have seen in other healing stories and in my own inner life of being healed by God’s grace. There seemed to be a sense of coming to grips with what part of the marriage failing was their part and what was their spouses part. Sometimes before the annulment process they talked about taking all the blame for the marriage failing. “If only they had been a better spouse…” or taking none of the blame “it was my spouses fault.” It seemed that through the prayer and questions that had to be answered that the person who actively and prayerfully participated in annulment learned to accept what was their responsibility for the marriage falling apart and nothing more.
Somewhere in this process, it also sounded like the people who really invested in the process were able to see that God still loved them despite the fact that they with their spouse had failed in marriage and anytime we encounter God’s unconditional love for us, we discover healing.
2. Annulments Are Not Catholic Divorces It is important to realize that annulments are not Catholic divorces; if they were than everybody could get one with very little problem. A civil divorce decrees that the couple were once married and is no longer married. A Catholic Annulment decrees that the marriage never actually took place for one reason or another. The bride and groom never became husband and wife for some grievous reason. For example one of them was not in control of his or her actions because of alcohol, drugs, blackmail, undue force, etc. The person therefore in the eyes of the Church is not free to enter into marriage or they are not able to make the consent, the commitment, required for marriage. If you want to know whether someone has good grounds for an annulment, it is best to speak with an advocate (Church lawyer). Never assume one way or the other.
Remember that part of the marriage vows has to deal with “for better or for worse.” If a person had a right to get out of marriage when things get a little rough then marriage would not really be that sacred of institution. A person should never be able to get out of an oath lightly (doctors, soldiers, lawyers, judges, etc.). Part of what makes marriage so special is that spouses are agreeing to remain by each other’s sides in good times and in bad times. If people can break their promise at any moment then marriage loses its value. The English poet Thornton Wilder put it this way in his poem called the
The Promise.
I didn't marry you because you were perfect. I didn't even marry you because I loved you. I married you because you
gave me a promise. That promise made up for your faults. And the promise I gave you made up for mine. Two imperfect
people got married and it was the promise that made the marriage. And when our children were growing up, it wasn't a house that protected them; and it wasn't our love that protected them - it was that promise.