Fr. Thomas M. Pastorius June 12, 2016 Spiritual Ponderings Thoughts on Annulments
Last week, I began to share with you some of my thoughts on the Church’s teaching about Annulments. It is my hope that these reflections will help you understand what an annulment is and how the process of going through an annulment can be surprisingly healing experience. For help with this I am turning to Rev. Ronal T. Smith’s book called Annulment: A Step-By-Step Guide for Divorced Catholics.
3. The Annulment process should be more about dialogue than conflict. In a dialogue we find two or more people trying to discover the truth of a situation or the best way of doing something. Everyone in a dialogue is considered a winner if the correct answer is discovered even if it in some way hurts the people involved, financially, physically or mentally. In a conflict however one or more people in the process have to “win” or “get their way” and are not concerned about the truth or the right way to do something. In a dialogue lying and attacking the other person is never permitted because they only make it harder to find the truth but in conflict both of them are allowed under the excuse of “whatever is necessary to get my way.”
I can only imagine how difficult it can be to enter into a dialogue with someone who had promised to love you forever and now has hurt you so greatly that you desire to permanently separate from him or her. More lying, name calling, etc will not solve your problem. Only the truth in this situation can set you free and bring healing. In order to help with this the Church provides ministers advocate (someone helping the parties involved) a defender of the bond (whose job it is to defend the bond of marriage and thus they try to present evidence to the judge that shows the marriage as being valid and finally a judge (sometimes more) who all do their best not to make everyone happy but rather to find the truth of the situation. The Church officials are most happy when the feel that the truth has been discovered so for example the defender of the bond is not happier when the judge decrees the marriage valid if it in fact it was not a valid marriage. Living in the truth of a situation is always better than living in a delusion.
4. Marriage is Given the Benefit of the Doubt As I have mentioned before an annulment is a legal proceeding and in this legal proceeding the validity of the marriage is given the benefit of the doubt. In other words, we assume that the marriage is valid and it is up to the two parties involved to prove that it was not. This is why it is important to have witnesses. A witness is someone who is willing to go on record and say that the marriage was in trouble before it began. If you are going through an annulment process make sure your witnesses know to speak freely and honestly even if some of the things they have to say are not so positive about you. Many canon lawyers point out that these witness statements are often the most beneficial.
When I was suffering from depression, it was helpful for some good friends to point out to me how I was causing some of my own problems. I had a lot of self-fulfilling prophesies and a real negative attitude that was holding me back. Seeing them and learning how to correct them helped in my healing process a lot. I think this was because it gave me hope that I was not destined to keep making the same mistakes over and over again.
I also believe that good marriages are a lot of hard work. Couples have to keep their negative feelings (which all couples have) from overcoming their positive feelings. This is not always easy. There are many factors that can play into a marriage heading toward a civil divorce. Family of Origin issues can be one major cause. One spouse may not know what healthy marriage behavior looks like. Instead of throwing in a towel couples should seek professional help. On a side note, make sure you get good professional help. I have gone to many counselors in my life time for my own personal health and there were some that were good and some that were bad. I tried to stick with the good and have nothing to do with the bad.
As Catholics too we believe in original sin and that the ideas of this world are not the best. Our world sometimes teaches us if we are not careful that our family life is like a cocoon that must be escape in order to find fulfillment instead of teaching us that each member of our family is a gift from God.
With all of this being said, I do believe that I have met individuals who have received annulments and have gone on to marry the right person on the second try and thus it is good to have the annulment process so that people are not stuck in a relationship God did intend them to be in.