Fr. Thomas M. Pastorius
February 9, 2014
Spiritual Ponderings
Sexuality and Marriage

Let us take a closer look at what God has revealed marriage to be in His divine plan. For help with this we will return to Christopher West?s book Good News about Sex and Marriage: Answers to Your Honest Questions About Catholic Teaching. (Quotes from his book will be in bold and my commentary will be in regular font.) In this book Christopher West, using the Theology of the Body developed by John Paul II, answers many questions about the Church?s teaching on Marriage and Sex. The most important thing to remember about this teaching is simply this all of Catholic Morality (social, sexual, etc.) comes down to treat each person as a person and not as an object. For if love is wanting what is best for the other person even if that means a sacrifice on my part then the opposite of that is not hate but rather using another person for our pleasure even if it means hurting them.

Another way of looking at it is as St. Paul put it ( 1 Corinthians 12): ?Love is patient, love is kind. It is not jealous, (love) is not pompous, it is not inflated, it is not rude, it does not seek its own interests, it is not quick-tempered, it does not brood over injury, it does not rejoice over wrongdoing but rejoices with the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails.? If your actions don?t measure up to that then you are not experiencing true love.

1. Intimate communion of love and love. Marriage is the closest and most intimate of human friendships. It involves the sharing of the whole of a person?s life with his or her spouse. Marriage calls for a mutual self-surrender so intimate and complete that the two spouses become ?one.?

Catholics we believe that in marriage the two spouses give themselves to each other and at the same time they receive the gift of their spouse. In the perfect marriage the more they empty themselves out as gift ? the more that they are patient, kind, not jealous, not pompous, not inflated, not rude, not seeking its own interest, not quick-tempered, not brood over injuries, not rejoice over wrongdoing and always rejoicing with the truth, bearing all things, believes all things and enduring all things ? the more they are filled by their spouse doing the same thing back.

Even though I am not married, I know that not all marriage work this way however this does not mean that something is wrong with God?s plan but rather it shows that there is something wrong with how we are going about trying to live God?s plan.

As the Scripture points out man and woman come together in marriage and the two individuals become one family. They sacrifice their own individual wants and desires for the good of the couple. This sacrifice though does not leave them empty and sad but rather brings them a joy they could not achieve on their own. Once again though this only happens if both spouses are willing to pour out their entire being in love to their spouse and then allowed themselves to be filled by their spouse?s love.

The words ?mutual self-surrender? speak to me of the great need for couples to get over their own personal egos if their marriage is to be a happy one. This does not happen over time and it is not easy. It requires not only practice but a lot of prayer. Only rooting our identity in God and not in what we do or what we produce can we truly possess ourselves to give ourselves away. Finally we need God?s grace in order to become more selfless and so do not be afraid to pray for the grace to be more selfless. Then seize those opportunities to show your spouse love. One marriage counselor I heard speak once said ?Couples to have a successful marriage must learn to seize the mundane moments of life and use them to show each other love.

2. Exclusive. As a mutual gift of two persons to each other, this intimate union excludes such union with anyone else. It demands the total fidelity of the spouses. This exclusivity is essential for the good of the couple?s children as well.

I cannot see how married couples can complain about their spouse having sex outside of marriage unless sex is supposed to be reserved for marriage from the start. If sex is all about getting physical pleasure and not about giving oneself as a gift to one?s spouse, then how is it any different from going to casino, ballgame, etc. without their spouse. Catholics though believe that sex has more meaning in God?s plan than just being a way for people to get physical pleasure. John Paul II?s beautifully states in his teaching that sexual intercourse between married couples is a way for couples in the language of the body to renew their wedding vows. In the sexual act the couples say ?I do? all over again.

Practically speaking keeping sex reserved to marriage also prevents couples from bringing in not only sexually transmitted disease into their marital relationship but also emotional baggage from past sexual encounters. If the sexual act really does mean ?I do? in the language of the body when couples have sex outside of marriage then they are lying to each other and nobody likes being lied to or being told they are the one only to find out they are not. I have heard people say that each time a person has sex with someone they give that a person a part of their soul. If you have given a part of your soul to others then how can you give your whole self to your spouse in marriage?