Fr. Thomas M. Pastorius August 6, 2017 Spiritual Ponderings Toxic Behaviors
Most people that know me or who have heard me speak, know that throughout my life I have struggled with depression. It is a part of my life that, thanks to some great counselors, I have learned to manage and control. In many ways, I look back upon my battle with depression and time in counseling as a gift because the experiences have given me a greater self-awareness and this has allowed me to help others when they come to me with a variety of different issues that are bothering them.
The other day, I was going through my stuff in an effort to simplify my life and I came across a box of papers that I had saved for future use but had since forgotten about. As I went through this box of papers, I came across a paper that was titled “Seven Toxic Behaviors that Push People Away.” Sadly, I do not remember which counselor who has gave it to me. Upon finding it, I immediately thought that this would be a great topic for my Spiritual Pondering reflections. So, over the next month, I would like to share with you my reflections on these seven toxic behaviors that people may do (knowingly or unknowingly) that ultimately end up poisoning and ruining relationships.
Before, I dive into the seven toxic behaviors, I want to say a word about feelings, emotions, and temptations. I think it is important to realize that feelings, emotions, and temptations are all neutral. They are neither morally good or evil. Remember that Jesus was tempted in the desert by the devil and He experienced a wide variety of emotions but never sinned. When we feel an emotion like anger we should not beat ourselves up for feeling angry but instead we should explore why it is that we feel angry. Often this will help us use our anger in a morally good way instead of allowing the feeling of anger to lead us to sin. A person might be tempted to look at something inappropriate on the internet. If he or she gives into the temptation and look at something inappropriate, then he or she has sinned. However, if a person being tempted chooses to get up away from the computer and pray.
I am all for turning a weakness into a strength but that does not happen simply by ignoring our weaknesses. The first step in becoming a better person is to admit that we need to improve. The second step is to admit that is alright to be a person who needs to improve because everyone needs to improve. The third step is to figure out what it is that we need to improve and to begin improving. All of this presupposes that we have asked God for grace and strength.
Upon finding it, I immediately thought that this would be a great topic to tackle in my Spiritual Ponderings. So, over the next month, I would like to focus on these 7 toxic behaviors. Quotes from the paper will be in bold and my commentary will be in regular font.
First Toxic Behavior is Envy Do not measure your life and success in comparison of someone else. Be your own person and live your life to your means. Constant envy and jealousy will only push people away because they will not want to be part of your consistent competition.
Someone wants told me that the reason why the seven deadly sins are so deadly is because they distort our reality. For example, giving into pride distorts our reality by making us think that we are the center, purpose, or end of the universe instead of God. Envy is the second of the seven deadly sins because it causes a distorted view of others. Instead of seeing others as brothers and sisters in Christ, we see them as competition either for God’s love or happiness. The truth of the matter is that there is no competition for God’s love because God’s love is infinite. He loves all of us equally.
Each of us has grown up in a world though built on competition which breeds envy. When we are young we are told that we must be the smartest, most beautiful, the most talented, etc. When this happens, it is hard not to see everything as competition. If, we keep looking for honor/fame, pleasure, power, or wealth to make you happy then others will be competition for you. Getting over envy is all about focusing on the Father’s love for us. The more we realize that God loves us all and that we are all different, it is easier to move away from envy and the desire/need to tear others down.
In my own life, I used to desire to be an extravert because it seemed like priests who were extraverts had the ability to make their parish love them. I realize that I can make a parish love me but it takes a little longer because as an introvert, I need more one-on-one time. If I try to be the extravert that I am not, I will fail. If I spend time getting mad that God made other people extraverts and not me, I will fail. If I can compensate for not be an extravert by seizing opportunities like one-on-one meetings and small group meetings, I will succeed with God’s grace.