09-16

The following is adapted from Allen Hunt's book: The 21 Undeniable Secrets of Marriage:

1. As a couple, sit facing each other. Join hands. Look one another in the eye.

2. Take turns doing the following exercise.

3. Let the wife go first.

4. As you look at your husband say, “Please forgive me for _______,” and then complete the sentence. Do not add an “if” or a “but.” No explanations—just a simple apology for something done or said that you regret. It is best if this is for something from the past week rather than dredging up issues from the distant past. Starting anew with a fresh breeze of grace.

5. Husband, look at your wife, simply say, “I forgive you.” Add nothing else. Just receive her apology and offer forgiveness.

6. Begin again. Now reverse the roles with the husband apologizing and the wife forgiving…

7. Resist the temptation to expand the conversation in this exercise. There will be plenty of time later to have longer discussions. The goal right here and now is simply to learn to apologize and to forgive well. No more, no less.

Dear Heavenly Father, We thank you for the grace and blessings you have given this (couple) during the past______ years of marriage.   We celebrate and recall the day when they joined together as partners in life and we thank you for being with them on their daily journey together through life’s ups and downs.  Increase their sense of belonging to each other, just as Jesus says, “For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh'? So they are no longer two, but one flesh.” (Matthew 19:5,6)
 
We thank you that you have freely given them your presence, strength, help and hope.   We pray that they will continue to grow in their ability to work together for the good of each other, for the good of their family and for the good of the world.  Fill them with love, forgiveness, patience and trust. 
 
Guide them with the light of your word where it says, “Love is patient, love is kind. It is not jealous, (love) is not pompous, it is not inflated, it is not rude, it does not seek its own interests, it is not quick-tempered, it does not brood over injury, it does not rejoice over wrongdoing but rejoices with the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails.”  (I Corinthians 13:4-8)

Increase their sense of companionship and friendship.  Grant them the ability to laugh at their mistakes and the means to share the simple pleasures of life together.  Enable them to speak the truth in love.  Help them to be good listeners.  And grant them wisdom and a spirit of cooperation as they make your good plans together on the tough issues and challenges they face.
 
Surround them with good friends and neighbors.  Protect their home.  Care for their family.  Provide for their needs.  Guard their health.  And may they enjoy many other anniversaries together.  In the name of Christ we pray, Amen.

Fr. Thomas M. Pastorius
February 7, 2015
Spiritual Ponderings
21 Undeniable Secrets of Marriage
 
“Your decision to marry will almost certainly be the most significant and influential decision of your life.” – Dr. Allen Hunt.  Last fall I received a collection of five books from Dynamic Catholic as a sort of free sampler pack.  Among these books was one by Dr. Allen Hunt on forgiveness.  I found it to be truly inspiring and yet practical so I quickly searched out other books by Dr. Allen Hunt.  I came across The 21 Undeniable Secrets of Marriage and quickly began reading it.  Dr. Allen Hunt a former pastor of a Protestant mega-church, who is now Catholic, has been happily married to his wife Anita through the many changes in his life.  Quotes from his book will be in bold and my commentary will be in regular font.
 
01. The Secret of Purpose: If you’re going to be married, you have to know where you’re going.
“Blessed is the couple who understands their marriage as a pathway to heaven.”
The Catholic Church teaches us that every human beings ultimate goal is unity with the Blessed Trinity.  When I try to visualize this I find myself of being caught up in a sort of whirlwind of love.  At every moment of my existence in heaven I am receiving so much love that my mortal body could not hold it and at the same time I am giving others so much love that if I was not constantly being filled up that I would go empty.  In marriage husband and wives are suppose to give all that they have to their spouse (and family) to they have nothing left and in return they are to be filled up with love from their spouse (and family).  By practicing this everyday couples prepare themselves to spend eternity doing the same. 
 
02.  The Secret of Sacrament: God shows up in the vows.  Every day.
That’s the only word to describe it: mystery.  What other word could possibly describe what it’s like to merge two people into one, to combine two lives into a single whole?  Each marriage takes on a life and a character al its own, totally unique to that relationship.  That is a mystery.  And that is a sacrament.
It all comes down to attitude.  When I was in high school I remember telling my aunt that I had to work on the fourth of July and she quickly informed me that “I got to work”.  She reminded me that there were many people who desired to have a job and could not get one.  From that day on, I looked at my job in a new and totally different light.  Work went from being something I had to do to being something I got to do. We can look at married life as an obligation.  I am stuck as a part of this family or I cannot wait until I can get away from all these people or I can see family and if I am married my spouse as a gift from God.  Catholics do not believe that you can choose just anyone and marry them and live happily ever after.  We believe that you need to find the one person God created to be your spouse.  If you are married enjoy being married.  If your marriage is in trouble then rejoice that you have an opportunity to fix it. 
 
God will give you the grace, strength, and might necessary to live out your marriage vows during good times and in bad and in sickness and in health.  When God gives us a task (like being God’s image in the world) He gives everyone the grace necessary to do so.  He gave Moses the grace to lead His people out of slavery, Joshua the grace to lead the Israelites into the Promise Land, Blessed Virgin Mary to be the Mother of God, and St. Paul to proclaim His Gospel to the Gentiles. 
 
03.  The Secret of Synergy: in marital math, one is greater than two.
Coaches inspire their players with words about how the whole of the team is greater than just adding up of the talents of the individual team members.  That’s why championship teams rarely consist of the most all-stars.  Championship teams merge the talents of the teammates in a mysterious way so that the team is greater than the parts that make it up.  Business executives attest to the same thing.  The synergy of parts working together is much more effective than a bunch of great people each working on their own.
There is nothing I love more than to be on a well successful team but there is nothing I hate more than being on a dysfunctional team.  One of the key aspects for me in all my relationships is the need to remind myself and others that we are on the same team.  I would think that this is ten times more important in marriage than in any other relationship. 
God really wants what is best for each of us.  It is pride, envy, lust, etc. that turns us into each other’s top rivals instead of allowing us to live in the freedom of being sons and daughters of God.  The married couples that inspire me the most are the couples who don’t point out each other’s faults but the husband simply fills in the gap that the wife leaves behind and the wife fills in the gaps that husband leaves behind.

Fr. Thomas M. Pastorius
February 14, 2015
Spiritual Ponderings
21 Undeniable Secrets of Marriage
 
I always start off reading books about marriage in order to improve my marriage preparation programs and marital counseling skills but I always learn so much about relationships in general.  This was once again true as I read Dr. Allen Hunt’s book: The 21 Undeniable Secrets of Marriage.  Quotes from his book will be in bold and my commentary will be in regular font.
 
04.  The Secret of Bedrock: for a marriage to work it is important to share everything, including the deepest values in your heart.
“What is the secret of bedrock? Prayer.  Prayer that leads to a spiritual life together as a couple.  A spiritual life together than will give you the same values and convictions in your heart so that the two of you are driving your relationship in the same direction at the same time in all settings.  A deep melding will bind you together as a couple, and that bond will sustain you in ways you can never anticipate at the beginning.  You shared spiritual life will serve as the mortar between the bricks of your home, pulling all the various parts together and holding them together as a unified whole. 
The following is the Prayer Process that Dynamic Catholics suggests:
1). Gratitude: Begin by thanking God in a personal dialogue for whatever you are most grateful for today.
2). Awareness: Revisit the times in the past twenty-four hours when you were and were not the best-version-of-yourself.  Talk to God about these situations and ask him to give you the gift of greater awareness when similar situation arise in the future.
3). Significant Moments: Identify something that you experienced today and explore what God might be trying to say to you through that event.
4). Peace: As God to forgive you for any wrong you have committed (against yourself, another person, or Him) and to fill you with a deep and abiding peace.
5). Freedom: Talk to God about how He is inviting you to change your life so that you can experience the freedom that comes from knowing that who you are, where you are, and what you are doing make sense.  Is He inviting you to rethink the ways you do things?  Is God asking you to let go of something or someone?  Is He asking you to hold on to something or someone?
6). Pray For Others: Pray for those who you feel called to pray for today, and those who have asked you to pray for them recently.  Take a moment and pray for these people by name, asking God to bless and guide them.
7). Finish by praying the Our Father.
I can only imagine how strong a relationship would become if people felt free to pray the previous method out loud knowing that the person with them was going to respect and treasure the experience of watching the other pray. 
 
Couple Prayer Method
The best method I have found for praying with your spouse is as follows.  Step 1: Husband prays “Dear God I thank you for my wife (insert name) because (name two or three qualities that you appreciate).  Help me become a better husband by (name two or three things/areas of your life that you need to improve).  Step 2: Wife prays “Dear God I thank you for my husband (insert name) because (name two or three qualities that you appreciate).  Help be become a better wife by (name two or three things/areas of your life that you need to improve).  Step 3 (Optional) Thank God for each child making sure to give a reason why you are grateful.  Step 4: end by praying the Our Father together.  Praying this way helps spouses know that they are loved and appreciated and that their spouse is still striving to be a better person.
 
05.  Marriage is a garden, not a fruit stand.  You have to tend it.
They (marital researchers) look for a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative interactions.  A 5:1 ratio as the couple relates to one another.  Positive interactions include simple things such as a smile, a touch on the arm, looking directly into your partner’s eyes, paying attention to what he or she says, saying thank you, sharing a quick hug or a giggle.  Negative interactions include rolling the eyes, turning a cold shoulder, a dismissive harrumph, a mocking chuckle, or failing to listen to or acknowledge what your spouse is saying.
It is easy to create negative situations.  Positive situation are much harder to create.  It requires thought to be thoughtfulness. 

Fr. Thomas M. Pastorius
February 21, 2015
Spiritual Ponderings
21 Undeniable Secrets of Marriage
 
Let us continue looking at Dr. Allen Hunt’s book: The 21 Undeniable Secrets of Marriage to discover insights not only into marriage but into relationships in general.  Quotes from his book will be in bold and my commentary will be in regular font.
 
06.  The Secret of the Love Bank: If you want more love, you have to give it away.
Every person has a love bank inside the heart, one that can either be filled with love or be left bankrupt and empty.  And we all yearn for our love banks to be filled to capacity.  This is the secret of the love bank.
One of the great mysteries in my life is that I cannot understand people who treat others as junk and then cannot understand why no one wants to be around them.  I have seen people yell and scream at another person and then wonder why the other person does not want to spend any time with them.  Some people I guess fear change more than being lonely.
 
For marriages, and even for your life, the application of this rule is simple: If you want more of something give it away.  If you want more love in your life, give more love away.  If you want more joy, give away more joy.  And it is especially true in marriage. 
Do you want to be surrounded by other happy people? Then be happy yourself.   Mother Teresa said that “Peace begins with a smile” and “Kind words can be short and easy to speak, but their echoes are truly endless.”
 
07.  The Secret of Romance: Songs of Songs is there for a reason.
God desires to be the lover of your soul.  And Song of Songs makes that abundantly clear.  In this little book of the Bible you will discover the secret of romance.
I believe that this secret can be broken down in two.  The first is don’t expect from your spouse what only God can give.  You spouse can help direct you toward your ultimate end but in of itself your spouse cannot be your ultimate end because that is God.  The second is if you want to know what true love is look to Jesus as your role model.  Romance is not so much about giving someone fine jewelry as it about forgiving.  Romance is not so much about have a lot of possessions but rather about loving each person that comes into our lives as a gift from God.
 
As God loves you and me as His spouses, in the same way, a man loves a woman with delight.  God’s love gives the model for romance, selfless, sacrificial, and generous. Extravagant love!
 
08.  The Secret of the Best Friend: Don’t marry someone you can live with; marry someone you can’t live without.
What does it mean?   It means your marriage has its best shot if you marry your best friend.
Over time, this settling in is when authentic love either takes root or dies.  At that moment, when the sizzle has subsided every couple will make a decision to invest or to divest.  To step in or step out.  Each spouse will choose: Will I learn to love this person in way deeper than emotional, heart pumping star dreaming, or will I go in search of another two-year sizzle with someone else?  If the answer is yes to a deeper love, the marriage and relationship will grow to a new level and increase its chances at thriving.  If the answer is no, it will die a quick or sometimes slow and agonizing death.  One or both partners quickening experience with someone else.  They will have made the mistake of confusing lust for love. -
 
Struggles and difficulties do not mean anything is going bad in a relationship.  In prayer there are times of consolation (when we feel God’s presence) and there are times of desolation (when it feels like God is absent).  St. Ignatius’s beautiful insight in his rules of discernment is that God is speaking/teaching/nurturing in times of desolation as much as God is speaking in times of consolation.  Marriages and relationships can grow just as much in bad times as they do in good times. Flowers grow possibly more in the rain than they do in the sunlight. 

Fr. Thomas M. Pastorius
February 28, 2015
Spiritual Ponderings
21 Undeniable Secrets of Marriage
 
Let us continue looking at Dr. Allen Hunt’s book: The 21 Undeniable Secrets of Marriage to discover insights not only into marriage but into relationships in general.  Quotes from his book will be in bold and my commentary will be in regular font.
 
09.  The Secret of Ages and Stages: The only constant in your marriage will be the two of you and the fact you are changing as people and as a couple.
The fact remains that you and your spouse will change over time, and that process requires attention.  The goal is to share experiences and change together.  But reality teaches that this is not easy.
There are two factors that bring about change in marriage.  The first is time.  Time changes us as we get older and have more experiences and have the chance to develop greater illnesses etc.  The second should be our desire to become a better person.  I hope that I am a better priest now than on the day of my ordination.  Sometimes the second thing that changes us is complacency.  We stop trying to get better and we start developing bad habits. 
 
Change is hard.  When the grace of God is involved in that change, the process becomes even more difficult.  Flannery O’Conner’s wise words ring true: “All human nature vigorously resists grace because grace changes us and change is painful.”  
Being treated for depression in high school, college, and even as an adult was hard for me because I had to admit that I had not figured everything out and that I needed help.  There was a giant part of me that wanted to avoid dealing with those issues.  I chose to deal with those issues because I wanted to be the best person that I could be for my family (and the people of God that I wanted to serve).  Learning to live a new way of life was hard but it was worth it. 
 
Patience enables you to endure change.  In fact, it allows you to thrive through change because you know that your spouse is always changing and your relationship is always evolving.  The ages and stages of marriage become something you anticipate rather than dread.  Patience helps you look eagerly ahead to what God will do next than resenting that your spouse has added a few pounds here and there or no longer likes to go camping like she used to.
 
10.  The Secret of the Bed: If being together bothers you, your marriage has entered the danger zone.
Nearly one in four American married couples no longer share a bed.  Home builders report a growing increase in requests for separate master bedroom suites and expect such requests eventually to become the norm for new homes.  Sometimes that is for health reasons such as sleep apnea, snoring, or restless legs. 
I think the wisdom behind this secret is that married couples have to seize every moment of togetherness they can even if it is while one is a sleep.  If one cannot share one’s bed with their spouse or you are trying to strengthen another relationship other than that with your spouse look for other ways to spend ordinary time with that person.  Go shopping together, ride along in the car with them as they run errands, or watch them play a sport.  Spend time together. 
 
11.  The Secret of Priorities: Every marriage will face a turning point.
Life is about priorities.  Love is about priorities. And a marriage thrives when it embraces the secret of priorities.  Show me your calendar or phone and I’ll show you your priorities.  When you make time for something, it becomes your priority.  Where you invest your time is where you are investing yourself.  Show me you bank statement and I’ll show you your priorities.  When you spend money or give money, your heart becomes attached and that project or item become a priority.
Here is a moment of honesty and vulnerability to me.  Do you know what hurts me the most?  When someone who I consider a good friend does not take time to even call or when I throw a party and invite friends and people don’t show.  I can only imagine how damaging this is in a marriage or other important relationship.  I talk to my mother every day for ten to fifteen minutes.  This is a priority for me because I love her.  I have lost contact with other friends because I did not make them a priority and we have lost touch over the years. 

Fr. Thomas M. Pastorius
March 6, 2015
Spiritual Ponderings
21 Undeniable Secrets of Marriage
Part II
 
I hope that you have been enjoying these insights or “secrets” about building strong marriages in which I believe we can all use to build strong relationships.  Dr. Allen Hunt’s book The 21 Undeniable Secrets of Marriage has been a good resource to help us ponder what it takes to have a good marriage and other healthy relationships.  Quotes from his book will be in bold and my commentary or reflections will be regular font.
 
12.  The Secret of Separation: Cleaving means cleaving.
When cleaving occurs, two things (or in this case two people) combine so intensely that it is almost impossible to separate them.  They are passionately connected to each other.  They are not merely roommates or friends of convenience. 
Here is one of my favorite poems about marriage: I didn't marry you because you were perfect. I didn't even marry you because I loved you. I married you because you gave me a promise. That promise made up for your faults. And the promise I gave you made up for mine. Two imperfect people got married and it was the promise that made the marriage. And when our children were growing up, it wasn't a house that protected them; and it wasn't our love that protected them - it was that promise.
 
In the same way, for a marriage to really thrive, it must stand on its own.  If either set of in-laws meddles, hovers, and controls; the new marriage will struggle to stand on its own.  Either the man did not fully leave his mother and father, or the woman’s parents are preventing him from truly cleaving to his new wife.  In either example, the new marriage will be weak and dependent rather than strong and fully independent. 
All relationships are going to have their problem but if a relationship is going to last the test of time both people in it need to learn to work together to solve their problems rather than looking outside the relationship for someone else to fix it. 
 
The deepest lessons for marriage often come through the University of Hard Knocks.  Some things simply cannot be learned in a book. Some things you will learn only when you live them.
Facing conflicts with a friend only strengthens the friendship.
 
13.  The Secret of Insiders: When in doubt, turn toward your mate.
Don’t marry someone you can live with; marry someone you can’t live without.  That was the secret of the best friend.  In the same way, if you have a best friend outside the marriage, know that you may well be entering treacherous waters.
One of the first pieces of advice I give engage couples is that “if you cannot live without them then don’t live with them because God wants to independent people to enter into the Sacrament of Marriage.  Even though it sounds completely opposite of Dr. Hunt’s rule I think we both mean the same thing.  Don’t settle and marry just anyone so that you can be married.  As Catholics we believe that God, if He is calling you to the Sacrament of Marriage, has made just one person in the rest of the world to be your spouse.  Don’t settle for anyone else. God wants what and who is best for you.  He knows who it is that will help you become your best self. 
 
14.  The Secret of Attention and Affection: Attention and affection work for a marriage like oxygen and water work for the human body.
Attention and affection work for a marriage like oxygen and water work for the human body.
Most marriage do not end out of malice but rather out of neglect.  Dr. Gottman had this to say: “One of the saddest reasons a marriage dies is that neither spouse recognizes its value until it is too late.  Only after the papers have been signed, the furniture divided, and separate apartments rented to the execs realize how much they really gave up when they gave up on each other.  Too often a good marriage is taken for granted rather than given the nurturing and respect it deserves and desperately needs.”

Fr. Thomas M. Pastorius
March 13, 2015
Spiritual Ponderings
21 Undeniable Secrets of Marriage
Part II
 
Most of us can be better at creating healthy relationships.  Dr. Allen Hunt’s book The 21 Undeniable Secrets of Marriage can be a good guide for anyone wishing to develop healthy relationships but especially those desiring a happy and healthy marriage.  Quotes from his book will be in bold and my commentary or reflections will be regular font.
 
15. The Secret of Women: Be A Woman: your husband needs that.
“No matter how much our culture tries to make women into men, and tells us women that we can do it all, there are still times when a woman needs a man to be a man.  To carry the load.  To be the heavy with the kids. To stand up.” – Anita Hunt.
Here is another personal pet peeve of mine.  I hate it when people wish me “Happy Father’s Day” on Father’s Day because I know that while I am a spiritual father, Hallmark (or whoever made up the holiday) did not intend to celebrate spiritual fathers on Father’s Day.  I know that there are many similarities between my spiritual fatherhood and the regular fatherhood my brothers live out and both should be celebrated.  We should take time though to celebrate what is good in each.  I bring this up because I think sometimes we try to down play the difference in gender instead of celebrating them.  We are all equal but we are all different.  We as Catholic believe in a Trinity, three equal persons but different. 
 
Men and women are not the same; High school biology makes that plain.  Of Course men and women are equal; we’re all made in the image of god.  However equal does not mean same.  We were made for each other, not like each other.  God made men and women to be much the same, yet significantly and wonderfully different.
Women cannot be equal to men if men are not willing to step up and be the fathers that God is calling them to be.  Women cannot be equal to men if they have to deny a major part of who they are through contraception in order to keep up with men.
 
16.  The Secret of Men: Be a man, your wife needs that.
In all our efforts to make men and women the same, we have forgotten how men and women are designed to complement each other. 
Men normally bring three P’s to a relationship (protect, provide, and push) and women normally bring the three N’s to a relationship nourish; nurture, and nest (provide order).  Can families survive without a mother or a father? Yes, but these should be the exceptions that make us appreciate the role of mother and father all the more. 
 
17.  The Secret of Sacrifice: Sacrifice is usually difficult and irksome: do it anyway.
Love is best expressed in sacrifice.
If you are not willing to sacrifice for a person then you really do not love that person. 
 
18.  The Secret of Children: Love, in its very nature gives and creates
Saint Augustine said children were one of the three goods (or blessings) of marriage, right alongside the blessing of fidelity and the beauty of the unbreakable bond.  How could it be otherwise?  How does God show His love?  By crating the universe and by creating new life.  The Holy Spirit is the Lord, the Giver of Life.  The love of God creates new life.  So too will love in a marriage produce new life. This is the secret of children.
Our world teaches us that we should see children as an economic agent good or bad.  God and the Bible see children always as a gift and a blessing. 
 
Creating new life is just a natural out flowing of love.  Love gives, love creates, love welcomes, love nurtures, and love nourishes new life.

Fr. Thomas M. Pastorius
March 20, 2015
Spiritual Ponderings
21 Undeniable Secrets of Marriage
Part II
 
Most of us can be better at creating healthy relationships.  Dr. Allen Hunt’s book The 21 Undeniable Secrets of Marriage can be a good guide for anyone wishing to develop healthy relationships but especially those desiring a happy and healthy marriage.  Quotes from his book will be in bold and my commentary or reflections will be regular font.
 
19.  The Secret of Life: When two become one, that “one “has its own life.
When children arrive, the family grows into a new dimension all its own.  The secret of life moves from the couple itself to the now-expanding family.  No family consists merely of the individual members.  Just as the one couple has a life in its own right, so too does the family unit take on its own existence as a whole. 
When a couple gets married, it is no longer about what is good for the individual but rather what is good for the family. This is especially true when children become a part of the family. 
 
20.  The Secret of Forgiveness: The most important word in a marriage and it’s not love.
What’s the most important word in a marriage?  Think about it: the single-most crucial word for your marriage. What would that be?  Perhaps it is love.  Or you might think the crucial word is faithfulness.  Then again, trust is an important word.  And so is honesty.  Commitment is too.  But the most important word in a marriage is forgiveness.  And along with forgiveness comes its spouse, grace.
The most important thing I look for in a friendship is a person willingness to forgive because I know that I am going to make mistakes.  In a good relationship and thus in a good marriage, forgiveness flows more freely than in bad relationships and marriages.  I also know that I am more willing to strive to be better when someone forgives me then when someone punishes me for a mistake. 
 
Show me a marriage teeming with forgiveness and grace and I will show you a healthy thriving marriage.
Refusing to forgive and holding onto a grudge is like putting up roadblocks up on the roadway to happiness. 
 
Forgiveness, however, needs to occur in the little things each day every bit as much as in the big things.
We have to forgive the little things as much as the big things.  We should also try to forgive as quick as possible.
 
Of course, you reduce the number of occasions for forgiveness by developing healthy conflict resolution skills.
The following is some things I try to remember when resolving conflict.
 “My fifth principle (practice good conflict resolution) comes down to having good manners” summarized Dr. Gottman.
1.   Complain but don’t blame  2.  Make statements that start with “I” instead of “You”  3.  Describe what is happening, don’t evaluate or judge.  4.  Be clear.  5.  Be polite 6.  Be appreciative  7.  Don’t store things up.
 
Plus the prayer of St. Francis
Lord, make me an instrument of your peace. Where there is hatred, let me sow love; where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith; where there is despair, hope; where there is darkness, light; and where there is sadness, joy. O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console; to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love. For it is in giving that we receive; it is in pardoning that we are pardoned; and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life. Amen
 
21.  The Secret of Eight: When you struggle focus on the 8
For you and me, the question is how to have a marriage permeated with joy, even on our worst days. The apostle Paul describes how to get to that kind of life: “Finally, brothers whatever is true, whatever is honorable whatever just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, what is gracious, if there is any excellence and if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.” (Philippians 4:8)
Remember when you find yourself in conflict with your spouse or another person to always try to behave like Christ

Fr. Thomas M. Pastorius
March 27, 2015
Spiritual Ponderings
21 Undeniable Secrets of Marriage
Part II
 
Last week we finished up a seven week look at Dr. Allen Hunt’s book The 21 Undeniable Secrets of Marriage.   Today, I would like to look at a tool that he offers the reader of his book to help facilitate forgiveness between husbands and wives.  I believe this tool can be use to save many marriages and if modified correctly can be a good guide for anyone wishing to develop healthy relationships.  Quotes from his book will be in bold and my commentary or reflections will be regular font.
 
As a couple, sit facing each other.  Join hands.  Look one another in the eye.  Take turns doing the following exercise. 
Let the wife go first.
As you look at your husband say, “Please forgive me for _______,” and then complete the sentence.  Do not add an “if” or a “but.”  No explanations—just a simple apology for something done or said that you regret.  It is best if this is for something from the past week rather than dredging up issues from the distant past.  Starting anew with a fresh breeze of grace.
                Husband, look at your wife, simply say, “I forgive you.”  Add nothing else. Just receive her apology and offer forgiveness.
                Begin again.
                Now reverse the roles with the husband apologizing and the wife forgiving…
                Resist the temptation to expand the conversation in this exercise.  There will be plenty of time later to have longer discussions.  The goal right here and now is simply to learn to apologize and to forgive well.  No more, no less.
 
The following is a prayer for couples that I recommend couples.
 
It takes three to make love, not two: you, your spouse, and God. Without God people only succeed in bringing out the worst in one another…” – Archbishop Fulton Sheen
 
This is a cool method for engaged and married couples to use to pray together.
 1.  If possible sit in a way that allows you to face each other.  If possible hold hands. 
 2.  While looking at each other the guy begins: “Dear God, I thank you for my fiancé/spouse and I am grateful for her (name 1-3 things you are grateful for).  Please help me become the husband she needs me to be by giving me the grace to (name 1-3 things that you would like to improve about yourself).
 3.  Pause for a moment of silence.  It is important at this time that the woman just to receive her fiancé/spouse’s prayer. 
 4.  Then it is time for the woman to pray: “Dear God, I thank you for my fiancé/spouse and I am grateful for him (name 1 -3 things you are grateful for).  Please help me become the wife he needs me to be by giving me the grace to (name 1-3 things that you would like to improve about yourself).
 5.  Pause for a moment of silence.  It is important at this time for the man just to receive his fiancé/ spouse’s prayer
 6.    At this time allow each other to pray for other things that may be on your mind i.e. safe travel, sick relative, etc.
 7.            Conclude the petitions with the Our Father.
 8. Recite together one of the closing prayers
Closing Prayer 1 (If Married):
O God, who in creating the human race willed that man and wife should be one and have joined us, your servants, in a bond of inseparable love and have united us in the covenant of marriage, help us to make our love fruitful so that we may become by your grace witness of charity itself.  We ask this through our Lord Jesus Christ, you Son, who lives and reigns with you in the unity of the Holy Spirit, one God forever and ever. Amen
 
Closing Prayer 2 (If Engaged):
Please be attentive to our prayers, O Lord and in your kindness pour out your grace on us your servants.  As we prepare to come before your altar together and to be united by you in an unbreakable bond of love and peace, please confirm us in love for one another and for you.  We ask through our Lord Jesus Christ, Your Son, who lives and reigns with you in the unity of the Holy Spirit, one God, forever and ever.

1.         The Catholic Church takes wedding vows seriously.  They are not just figures of speech so when a couple says that they promise to be true to their spouse in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health and that they will love their spouse, and honor their spouse, all the days of their life they better mean it.
 
2.         An annulment is not a “Catholic divorce”.  A divorce says that you were once married and now you are not.  Catholic believe that all valid marriages cannot be ended (remember the wedding vows). 
 
3.         An annulment or more precisely a “decree of nullity” says that even though the marriage looked to be good that it was actually false.  Here is a non-marriage example of an annulment.  If you buy a car from a friend and later discover that the car had been stolen, you discover that you did not actually buy the car because something (your friend did not own the car) went wrong before the sale of the car.  This is different than if you buy a car from your friend and someone steals it.  The car still remains yours because you legally purchased it.  You may be able to drive a stolen car for years without being caught and all the time think it was yours but once it is discovered to be stolen it is no longer yours. 
 
4.         Here is an example I use with engaged couples.  If the bride hides the fact that she is alcoholic from the groom and later he discovers that she is an alcoholic he may have grounds for an annulment because she kept a crucial part of who she was hidden from him.  It might be said that “he did not sign-up to marry an alcoholic.”  On the other hand if there is no drinking problem before the marriage starts and the bride develops it then there is no grounds for an annulment. 
 
5.         What would marriage be if everyone could walk away from their commitment to each other when the going gets tough?   The going always gets tough at some point in each marriage.
 
6.         What are some grounds for an annulment? Here are a few common grounds for annulments.  Please note that I am not a canon lawyer and thus I cannot claim to be an expert in Canon law.
a.         A lack of freedom.  One cannot enter into marriage if he or she is being blacked mail or is under the influence of drugs and alcohol. 
b.         A pre-existing severe mental or physical condition that is kept hidden from the other spouse.
c.         Lying while pronouncing one’s wedding vows for example if a person married a spouse only for money, social status, security, etc, and not out of desire to enter into a married relationship.
d.         Lack of Form.  Two Catholic people who go to Vegas and get married are not really married in the eyes of the Church because they lacked form: a minister, two witnesses, and approved wedding vows. 
 
7.         There is fee for Annulments but this fee is to help the Church pay for the legal professionals and secretaries who work in the Marriage Tribunal.  The fee in no ways determines the outcome of the annulment
 
8.         Best way to get started in annulment is talk to your parish priest.

Fr. Thomas M. Pastorius
June 5, 2016
Spiritual Ponderings
10 Thoughts on Annulments
 
On the fourth Tuesday of the month, I host at Epiphany of Our Lord Parish an evening of prayer and faith witnessing, that I call a “Covenant Night.”  On a side note: I believe these Covenant Nights are one of the best kept secrets in the Catholic Church and I would like to invite everyone to attend one.  Our Covenant Nights begin with a speaker who I have chosen to come and share his or her faith life with the people who are attending.  I basically ask the speakers to simply talk about why they are Catholic and how has God made an impact in their lives.  I believe one of the great things about these Covenant Nights is that most of the people that I ask to speak are not professional Church speakers.  They are just people who I have come to know and admire throughout my years in the seminary and as a priest. 
 
A few of the people that I had invited to come and speak, I knew had gone to the annulment process and had remarried in the Catholic Church.  While knowing this was a part of their background, I in no way tried to force them to speak about their experience of getting an annulment but to my great surprise each one of them did plus two other friends, who I had not known had been divorced and remarried talked about their annulment experience.  The thing that surprised me the most was that they all used the same word to describe the process of getting an annulment and that word was “healing.”  This was definitely not a word that I was expecting to hear in a conversation about annulments.  As we continue Pope Francis’s Year of Mercy, I would like to share with you 10 thoughts about Annulments that I hope will give you a better understanding the Catholic Church’s teaching on Marriage.  For help with this I am turning to Rev. Ronal T. Smith’s book called Annulment: A Step-By-Step Guide for Divorced Catholics.
 
1.            Annulments Can Be Healing
As I listen to each of the speakers talk about the annulment process and how they found it healing I saw some patterns immerging that I have seen in other healing stories and in my own inner life of being healed by God’s grace.  There seemed to be a sense of coming to grips with what part of the marriage failing was their part and what was their spouses part.  Sometimes before the annulment process they talked about taking all the blame for the marriage failing.  “If only they had been a better spouse…” or taking none of the blame “it was my spouses fault.”  It seemed that through the prayer and questions that had to be answered that the person who actively and prayerfully participated in annulment learned to accept what was their responsibility for the marriage falling apart and nothing more. 
 
Somewhere in this process, it also sounded like the people who really invested in the process were able to see that God still loved them despite the fact that they with their spouse had failed in marriage and anytime we encounter God’s unconditional love for us, we discover healing. 
 
2.            Annulments Are Not Catholic Divorces
It is important to realize that annulments are not Catholic divorces; if they were than everybody could get one with very little problem.  A civil divorce decrees that the couple were once married and is no longer married.  A Catholic Annulment decrees that the marriage never actually took place for one reason or another.  The bride and groom never became husband and wife for some grievous reason.  For example one of them was not in control of his or her actions because of alcohol, drugs, blackmail, undue force, etc.  The person therefore in the eyes of the Church is not free to enter into marriage or they are not able to make the consent, the commitment, required for marriage.  If you want to know whether someone has good grounds for an annulment, it is best to speak with an advocate (Church lawyer).  Never assume one way or the other.
 
Remember that part of the marriage vows has to deal with “for better or for worse.”  If a person had a right to get out of marriage when things get a little rough then marriage would not really be that sacred of institution.  A person should never be able to get out of an oath lightly (doctors, soldiers, lawyers, judges, etc.).  Part of what makes marriage so special is that spouses are agreeing to remain by each other’s sides in good times and in bad times.  If people can break their promise at any moment then marriage loses its value.  The English poet Thornton Wilder put it this way in his poem called the The Promise.
 
I didn't marry you because you were perfect. I didn't even marry you because I loved you. I married you because you
gave me a promise. That promise made up for your faults. And the promise I gave you made up for mine. Two imperfect
people got married and it was the promise that made the marriage. And when our children were growing up, it wasn't a house that protected them; and it wasn't our love that protected them - it was that promise.

Fr. Thomas M. Pastorius
June 12, 2016
Spiritual Ponderings
Thoughts on Annulments
 
Last week, I began to share with you some of my thoughts on the Church’s teaching about Annulments.  It is my hope that these reflections will help you understand what an annulment is and how the process of going through an annulment can be surprisingly healing experience.  For help with this I am turning to Rev. Ronal T. Smith’s book called Annulment: A Step-By-Step Guide for Divorced Catholics.
 
3.            The Annulment process should be more about dialogue than conflict.
In a dialogue we find two or more people trying to discover the truth of a situation or the best way of doing something.  Everyone in a dialogue is considered a winner if the correct answer is discovered even if it in some way hurts the people involved, financially, physically or mentally.  In a conflict however one or more people in the process have to “win” or “get their way” and are not concerned about the truth or the right way to do something.  In a dialogue lying and attacking the other person is never permitted because they only make it harder to find the truth but in conflict both of them are allowed under the excuse of “whatever is necessary to get my way.”
 
I can only imagine how difficult it can be to enter into a dialogue with someone who had promised to love you forever and now has hurt you so greatly that you desire to permanently separate from him or her.  More lying, name calling, etc will not solve your problem.  Only the truth in this situation can set you free and bring healing.  In order to help with this the Church provides ministers advocate (someone helping the parties involved) a defender of the bond (whose job it is to defend the bond of marriage and thus they try to present evidence to the judge that shows the marriage as being valid and finally a judge (sometimes more) who all do their best not to make everyone happy but rather to find the truth of the situation.  The Church officials are most happy when the feel that the truth has been discovered so for example the defender of the bond is not happier when the judge decrees the marriage valid if it in fact it was not a valid marriage.  Living in the truth of a situation is always better than living in a delusion.
 
4.            Marriage is Given the Benefit of the Doubt
As I have mentioned before an annulment is a legal proceeding and in this legal proceeding the validity of the marriage is given the benefit of the doubt.  In other words, we assume that the marriage is valid and it is up to the two parties involved to prove that it was not.  This is why it is important to have witnesses.  A witness is someone who is willing to go on record and say that the marriage was in trouble before it began.  If you are going through an annulment process make sure your witnesses know to speak freely and honestly even if some of the things they have to say are not so positive about you.  Many canon lawyers point out that these witness statements are often the most beneficial. 
 
When I was suffering from depression, it was helpful for some good friends to point out to me how I was causing some of my own problems.  I had a lot of self-fulfilling prophesies and a real negative attitude that was holding me back.  Seeing them and learning how to correct them helped in my healing process a lot.  I think this was because it gave me hope that I was not destined to keep making the same mistakes over and over again. 
 
I also believe that good marriages are a lot of hard work.  Couples have to keep their negative feelings (which all couples have) from overcoming their positive feelings.  This is not always easy.  There are many factors that can play into a marriage heading toward a civil divorce.   Family of Origin issues can be one major cause.  One spouse may not know what healthy marriage behavior looks like.  Instead of throwing in a towel couples should seek professional help.  On a side note, make sure you get good professional help.  I have gone to many counselors in my life time for my own personal health and there were some that were good and some that were bad.   I tried to stick with the good and have nothing to do with the bad. 
 
As Catholics too we believe in original sin and that the ideas of this world are not the best.  Our world sometimes teaches us if we are not careful that our family life is like a cocoon that must be escape in order to find fulfillment instead of teaching us that each member of our family is a gift from God. 
 
With all of this being said, I do believe that I have met individuals who have received annulments and have gone on to marry the right person on the second try and thus it is good to have the annulment process so that people are not stuck in a relationship God did intend them to be in.

Fr. Thomas M. Pastorius
June 19, 2016
Spiritual Ponderings
Thoughts on Annulments
 
We return again this week to the sometime difficult topic of the Catholic Church’s teaching about Annulment.  As I stated when I first started this series of reflection, I wanted to tackle this topic after listening to others who had gone it through describe it as a process that brought a lot of healing into their lives.  For help with this I am turning to Rev. Ronal T. Smith’s book called Annulment: A Step-By-Step Guide for Divorced Catholics.  (Quotes from his book will be in bold)
 
5.            Annulments do not make the children illegitimate
I was told by a cannon lawyer once that one of the main reasons that a person does not seek an annulment is because they fear that their children will be considered illegitimate.  The cannon lawyer went onto state that this is not the case.  In Church law it states that any child whose parents’ marriage is decreed annulled is still consider legitimate.  He went on to explain that the word “legitimate” means something like “declared legal” and therefore if the laws says they are legitimate then they are legitimate. 
 
If questions arise, please do not try to represent yourself as your own lawyer even if it is only in your head.  Take time to talk to someone who really knows what he or she is talking about.  There are many times that I take the time to consult with two or three priests before making a decision because I know that I am not perfect and I do not know everything. 
 
Since an annulment is a judgment solely of the Catholic Church, it is a solely a spiritual matter.  It has no civil effects on the children or the parties involved.  This is one of the reasons a person must have obtained a civil divorce before the Catholic diocesan marriage tribunal will consider the case.  The Catholic Church cannot annul a marriage that is still recognized as valid by a civil jurisdiction.
 
6.            It is fair for Catholics to expect Non-Catholics to go through annulment.
It may seem unfair that a non-Catholic is required to go through the Catholic Church’s annulment procedure in order to marry a Catholic in the Catholic Church.  The Church requires this, however, because it values the permanence and the sanctity of marriage between all couples, not just between Catholic Christians.
 
A couple of key Church teachings come into play here.  The first is that the priest or deacon only witnesses the marriage and that it is the two spouses that celebrate the wedding (that are the ministers of the wedding).  It is through their exchange of consent that the marriage comes about and not through the words of the priest or deacon.  In other words, I cannot stand on a street corner and grab a random guy or a random girl and declare them to be husband and wife with any legal or religious implications.  They do not become husband and wife but rather they remain complete strangers who have just shared an experience of running into a religious crazy on a street corner. 
 
We believe that Protestant couples who intend to inter into marriage are just as capable of entering into marriage as two Catholic people are.  Therefore the marriage of two Protestants is considered valid until proven otherwise.  This is why they need to go receive an annulment also.  There are many non-Catholic couples who show that they have the ability to commit themselves to each other in good times and in bad and the Church needs to uphold the sanctity of marriage as it upholds the validity of the oath of a soldier, a doctor, a President of the United States, etc. 
 
7.            The Time of Annulment Takes Depends on the Participation.
There is no doubt about it that our generation has become spoiled by how fast information can travel in our world today.  We have devices in our hands that allow us to send a signal into space to a satellite which tells that satellite to contact another person on the earth (and this person could be thousand miles away).  There are some things that you cannot speed up like home cooking, spending time with a love one, etc. without it affecting the quality.  The Church prefers quality over speed and so she insists on handwritten communication instead of e-mail.  She insists on talking with the people involve instead of watching five minute “audition tapes”. This also ensures that the people involved both know who is giving the testimony and that confidentiality is protected.   The fast the people turn in the items that are request for the faster the process moves along.  If the Church has to wait for each deadline to expire the process will take longer. 

Fr. Thomas M. Pastorius
June 26, 2016
Spiritual Ponderings
Thoughts on Annulments
 
I hope that you have found this series on ponderings on annulment has been helpful and insightful.  As I was sitting down to write this last spiritual pondering, I find myself still amazed at some of the wisdom buried in the annulment process and I can see how for some it can be a healing journey.  I want to make clear that just because I think can be a healing journey that does not mean I think it is an easy journey.  Like Bartimaeus, a person must be willing to throw away his old way of living (symbolized in the story of Bartimaeus by Bartimaeus throwing away his cloak) and sometimes we have to like Zacchaeus play the part of the fool (symbolized by the old man climbing a tree in order to see Jesus pass by).  All I can say to this is that I know the person I am now (after my treatment for depression) is much better than my life before I faced my need for healing.  Secondly it seems to me that I have run into many people who can say the same about their entering into the annulment process. 
 
8.            Remember the Goal is the Truth
I have been with friends who have gone through the annulment process only to receive the answer from the Church court that their previous marriage was still valid.  This was obviously not the answer that they wanted to hear.  It is important to remember that this not necessary the end of story because the Church truly wants to discover the truth of the situation to the best of its ability and therefore allows the person applying for annulment to apply for another annulment under different grounds.  Thomas Edison who tried invented the light bulb had tried over 100 different filaments before finding the right one.  He did not see his past failures as mistakes but rather as steps forward toward the invention of his dream. 
 
The amount of money one pays does not determine the outcome of the annulment case.  If the Church had her way there would be no charge for an annulment.  Unfortunately the process requires professionals in church law and secretarial staffs etc. and these people (especially the lay people) have a right also to a decent wage.  The Church does keep down the cost of the proceedings to the bare minimum by using volunteers (who are trained as well but volunteer their time) to help with some of the proceedings.  In addition the Church often uses a sliding scale when it comes to charging its fees.  I am pretty confident that no one had ever been denied an annulment because of a lack of payment.  
 
9.            Divorced Catholics are Not Bad Catholics
Every once in a while, I will hear a story on the news about a piece of movie memorabilia being auctioned off and I am almost always surprised at the price the item catches.  It is further proof to me that human beings have a strange way of placing a value on things and people.  We often judge things based on whether they will help us achieve something (utilitarian) and how perfect they are (mint condition).  Our judgments are often changeable/flexible etc.  The value that God places on something does not fluctuate.  He loves us unconditionally.  We are always valued by God. 
 
God’s true power/love often manifests itself the most when I realize that God still loves me despite my imperfections. 
 
10.          Forgiveness Does Not Mean Acquitting
One of the biggest obstacles, I find in people’s lives in regards to healing is the mistake of confusing acquitting and forgiveness.  Acquitting means that we say the person is innocent because he or she did not commit a crime.  Forgiveness on the other hand acknowledges the action that wounded us and instead of revenge we return mercy. 
 
A person going through an annulment prayerfully I think will discover it easier to take ownership of his or her part of the divorce and thus find it easier to forgive him or herself and move on.  The person going through an annulment will also begin to see the more that they focus on getting revenge on their spouse the more they are drinking a poison hoping their spouse would die.  Sometimes the person learns that they must forgive themselves. 
 
I know that when I was going through treatment for depression this was one of the big things I had to learn.  If you find yourself still wanting to punish your ex-spouse or yourself you might need to talk to a professional about it.  In the end I came to realize the angrier I got at them the more I was hurting myself and the less it bothered them.