Humor
01-08

1.   A little boy pulls on the preacher's hand to get his attention. Then says, "I'm going to give you money when I grow up." The preacher says, "Thank you very much but why do you want to give me money when you grow up?" The little boy replies, "My dad says that you are the "poorest" preacher we have ever had."

2.  First Day on the Job: A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said, "please, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me." The passenger, who was also frightened, apologized and said he didn't realize that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much. The driver replied, "I'm sorry, it's really not your fault at all. Today is my first day driving a cab. I have been driving a hearse for the last 25 years!

3.  A priest was walking along the corridor of the parochial school near the preschool wing when a group of little ones were trotting by on the way to the cafeteria. One little lad of about three or four stopped and looked at him in his clerical clothes and asked, “Why do you dress funny?” He told him he was a priest and this is the uniform priests wear. Then the boy pointed to the priest's collar tab and asked, “Do you have an owie?” The priest was perplexed till he realized that to him the collar tab looked like a band-aid. So the priest took it out and handed it to the boy to show him. On the back of the tab are letters giving the name of the manufacturer. The little guy felt the letters, and the priest asked, “Do you know what those words say?”  “Yes, I do,” said the lad who was not old enough to read. Peering intently at the letters he said, “Kills ticks and fleas up to six months!”

6.  An Irishman moves into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry, walks into the pub and promptly orders three beers.  The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a table, alone.  An hour later, the man has finished the three beers and orders three more.  This happens yet again.   The next evening the man again orders and drinks three beers at a time, several times. Soon the entire town is whispering about the Man Who Orders Three Beers.  Finally, a week later, the bartender broaches the subject on behalf of the town. "I don't mean to pry, but folks around here are wondering why you always order three beers?" 'Tis odd, isn't it?" the man replies, "You see, I have two brothers, and one went to America, and the other to Australia. We promised each other that we would always order an extra two beers whenever we drank as a way of keeping up the family bond." The bartender and the whole town was pleased with this answer, and soon the Man Who Orders Three Beers became a local celebrity and source of pride to the hamlet, even to the extent that out-of-towners would come to watch him drink. Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two beers. The bartender pours them with a heavy heart. This continues for the rest of the evening - he orders only two beers. The word flies around town. Prayers are offered for the soul of one of the brothers. The next day, the bartender says to the man, "Folks around here, me first of all, want to offer condolences to you for the death of your brother. You know-the two beers and all..." The man ponders this for a moment, then replies, "You'll be happy to hear that my two brothers are alive and well... It's just that I, myself, have decided to give up drinking for Lent." 7.  In a small country village in Sicily, there were two brothers, renowned members of the local Mafia. They were mean, bad and very rich.  No one had a good word to say about them.  Indeed, everyone seemed to have a story about how they had either been cheated or maligned by the brothers. One day, one of the brothers, Luigi died. The surviving brother, Jo - with a rare touch of conscience felt that something nice should be said about his brother Luigi at the funeral.  So he went to the local vicar and said:  I know that folk in the village hate us, and they don’t know the half of what we have been up to. However, I want you to say something nice about Luigi at his funeral.  I want you to say that Luigi was a saint when you preach.  If you will agree to do that, I’ll show my gratitude by giving $100,000.00 towards the repair of the church.  And here’s the check for the amount. If you don’t, you know my reputation. The vicar thought about it fleetingly agreed and took the check. A week later, the whole village turned out for the funeral and everyone wondered what the vicar would say. After the opening hymns had been sung and the readings had been read, the vicar climbed up into the pulpit and delivered his sermon. Eyeing the brother, sitting in the front row, the vicar said how evil the pair of them had been.  He went on to say how Luigi had cheated, not only in business but on his wife, how he had lied and how had had no concern for anyone but himself.  In fact he went on to say what a downright scoundrel Luigi had been. After ten minutes of preaching in this vein, the vicar, being the man of integrity, ended his sermon with these words: "But compared to his brother, Jo - Luigi was a saint 8. Q: Why did the priest giggle?  A: Mass hysteria 9. Helpful Prayer: Johnny had been misbehaving and was sent to his room. After a while he emerged and informed his mother that he had thought it over and then said a prayer.   "Fine", said the pleased mother. "If you ask God to help you not misbehave, He will help you."   "Oh, I didn't ask Him to help me not misbehave," said Johnny. "I asked Him to help you put up with me." 10.  .More than Asked For: Five year old Johnny told his daddy he'd like to have a baby brother and offered to do whatever he could to help. His dad, a very bright 35 year old, paused for a moment and then replied, " I'll tell you what, Johnny, if you pray every day for two months for a baby brother I guarantee that God will give you one!" Johnny responded eagerly to his dad's challenge and went to his bedroom early that night to start praying for a baby brother.   He prayed every night for a whole month but when he told his friends what he was doing they said that it wasn't possible to pray for a baby brother; it has never happened before. Being the believing young man he was, Johnny quit praying and after another month Johnny's mother went to the hospital. When she came back home, Johnny's parents called him into the bedroom. He cautiously walked into the room, not expecting to find anything, and there was a little bundle lying right next to his mother. His dad pulled back the blanket and there was not one baby brother, but two!! His mother had twins!   Johnny's dad looked down at him and said, "Now aren't you glad you prayed?"   Johnny hesitated a little and then looked up at his dad and said, "Yes, but aren't you glad I quit when I did?"

1) Easter Candy
Boy 1: "How did you get that bruise on your arm?"
Boy 2: "I ate some Easter candy."
Boy 1: "Eating Easter candy won’t give you a bruise." 7
Boy 2: "It will if it’s your big brother’s candy!"

2) Stressed?
Q: What would you get if you crossed the Easter Bunny with an overstressed person?
A: An Easter basket case!

3) Mouthful
Q: Why are you stuffing all that Easter candy into your mouth?"
A: "Because it doesn’t taste as good if I stuff it in my ears."

4) Egg Mystery
Q: What do you need if your chocolate eggs mysteriously disappear?
A: You need an eggsplanation!

5) Wet Rabbit
Q: How did the soggy Easter Bunny dry himself?
A: With a hare dryer!

6) Easter Bunny Like Shaq?
Q: How is the Easter Bunny like Shaquille O’Neal?
A: They’re both famous for stuffing baskets!

*If you get melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.

*Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.

*Diet tip: Eat an Easter egg before each meal.

*It'll take the edge off your appetite, and that way you'll eat less.

*If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you?

*If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.

*Money talks. Chocolate sings.

*Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.

*The problem: How to get two pounds of chocolate eggs home from the store in a hot car.


*The solution: Eat the eggs in the car park.

*Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous? Because no one wants to quit.

1. Imagine
I heard of a couple who, as they were paying for groceries in the check-out line, were discussing their soon to be 50th wedding anniversary, when the young cashier interjected by saying, "I can’t imagine being married to same man for 5o years!"

The wife wisely replied, teaching the young girl a lesson at the same time, "Well, Honey, don’t get married until you can.”

2. Historical verses. Hysterical
A man, who was telling his friend about an argument he'd had with his wife, commented, "Oh, how I hate it. Every time we have an argument, she gets historical." The friend replied, "You mean 'hysterical.'" "No," he insisted, "I mean historical. Every time we argue, she drags up everything from the past and holds it against me."

3. Having A Wife
At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.
Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, "Johnny, what is the matter?"

Little Johnny responded, "I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."

The Grumpy Catholics Guild: Is there anyone who can’t find at least one thing wrong in their parish or diocese? One thing is to see, pray for, and help resolve these difficulties. Another matter is to dwell on them. That is what the members of the “Grumpy Catholics Guild” (GCG) do. This Gospel passage is the one exclusive lens through which they view everything. For the Rosary, members of the GCG pray the “Vengeful Mysteries”: Jesus curses the fig tree, Jesus clears the temple, Jesus condemns the scribes and Pharisees. Might I be an anonymous member—or at least a supporter—of the GCG? Christ used hard words, but they were only fruit of an intense love and longing for the scribes’ and Pharisees’ salvation, not an intense bitterness toward them. If I have any bitterness in my heart, I need to ask Christ for the grace to forgive and to forgive as Christ forgives.

Vengenful Mysteries
1. Jesus curses the Fig Tree
2. Jesus clears the temple
3. Jesus condemns Pharisees and scribes
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