Faith and Family
01-08

“We are made for family. For many people, this is a self-evident truth; but for some, it is an empty or broken promise, an almost unbelievable proposition. In recent generations, we have seen the family, as an institution, fall into rapid decline. A century ago most marriages ended only with the death of a spouse. Today, many marriages end, bitterly in divorce. Many children must come to terms with feelings off abandonment one or both parents. Many adults struggle with anger and a deep sense of betrayal. Family dysfunction is epidemic, if not pandemic.

For the victims of such circumstances, the word “family” does not evoke happy memories or pleasant associations. For them, it seems a cruel God who would create us to live amid treachery, unkindness, or even abuse.

Those who have grown up in dysfunctional homes, or those who have been betrayed by lovers, know that they have been deprived of some great good. Their anger, bitterness, and sadness overwhelm them precisely because they know they lack something essential. They have been deprived of something that is theirs by right. They nurse a deep wound, and a wound is the sign that something in nature has been pierced, cut or broken.

The wound is a sign that they lacked something that a family should have provided. Their family was not what it should have been, not what God created it to be. The fault, then is not with the family as God created it, but with the particular families as they stray from God’s plan. Family dysfunction is undoubtedly a consequence of Original Sin; but it is not something God dreamed up to torment us.” - Scott Hahn

I love the following quote from Scott Hahn’s book called Swear to God: The Promise and Power of the Sacraments:

“Since marriage is a sacrament, family life is a kind of domestic liturgy, with its own responses, antiphons, and times of silence. There are lines we must never tire of repeating: ‘Thank you,’ ‘I’m sorry,’ ‘I love you,’ ‘I forgive you,’ ‘Tell me about your day,’ ‘I’d be glad to do that,’ and ‘How about a date?’

At Mass we know how to respond when the priest says, ‘Lift up your hearts’ or ‘Lord, have mercy’ or ‘Let us proclaim the mystery of faith.’ In a similar way, we need to learn the responses of the domestic liturgy. When one of us says, ‘I am sorry,’ the other replies, ‘I forgive you.’ This liturgy, like any sacramental liturgy is not something mechanical or magical, but rather a habit-forming pattern of love. We don’t always feel the emotions when we say the words, at Mass or at home; but if we are sincere, God makes up for what we lack.”

It sometimes helps to see things from another perspective.

Lord, thank you for this sink of dirty dishes, We have plenty of food to eat.

Thank you for this pile of dirty, stinky laundry, We have plenty of nice clothes to wear.

And I would like to thank you, Lord, for those unmade beds. They were so warm and so comfortable last night. I know that many have no bed.

My thanks to you, Lord, for this bathroom, complete with all the splattered mirrors, soggy, grimy towels and dirty lavatory. They are so convenient.

Thank you for this finger-smudged refrigerator that needs defrosting so badly, it has served us faithfully for many years. It is full of cold drinks and enough left-overs for two or three meals.

Thank you, Lord, for this oven that absolutely must be cleaned today. It has baked so many things over the years.

The whole family is grateful for that tall grass that needs mowing, the lawn that needs raking; we all enjoy the garden.

Thank you, Lord, even for that slamming screen door. My kids are healthy and able to run and play.
Lord, the presence of all these chores awaiting me says you have richly blessed my family. I shall do them all cheerfully and I shall do them gratefully.

AMEN

1. Thou shall be sure that your child knows that –win or lose—you love him/her, appreciate his/her efforts and that you are not disappointed in them.

2. Thou shall be completely honest about your child’s athletic capability, his or her competitive attitude, his or her sportsmanship, and his or her actual skill level.

3. Thou shall make sure that one does not miss Sunday Mass because of a sporting event. Let your child know that Church is more important.

4. Thou shall teach your child to enjoy competition for competition sake, remember that there are lessons to be learned in winning as well as in losing.

5. Thou shall not try to re-live your athletic life through your child nor try to create an athletic career to replace the one that you never had.

6. Thou shall not compare the skill, courage, or attitudes of your child with those of other members of the team in a way that will discourage him/her or another child.

7. Thou shall not compete with the coach, or show bad sportsmanship toward the officials.

8. Thou shall get to know the coach so that you can be sure that his/her philosophy,
attitudes, ethics, and knowledge are the things that you want to expose your child to.

9. Always remember that children tend to exaggerate, both when praised and when criticized therefore temper your reactions when they bring home tales of woes or tales of heroics.

10. Thou shall remind yourself and your child that it is only a game and that the most important thing in life is that we are infinitely loved by God and that we should show Him our gratitude by using our gifts and talents well.

“If a child lives with criticism, he learns to condemn . . .
If a child lives with hostility, he learns to fight . . .
If a child lives with fear, he learns to be apprehensive . . .
If a child lives with pity, he learns to feel sorry for himself . . .
If a child lives with ridicule, he learns to be shy . . .
If a child lives with jealousy, he learns to feel envy . . .
If a child lives with shame, he learns to feel guilty ...

BUT

If a child lives with tolerance, he learns to be patient . . .
If a child lives with encouragement, he learns to be confident . . .
If a child lives with praise, he learns to be appreciative . . .
If a child lives with acceptance, he learns to love . .
If children live with approval, they learn to like themselves..
If a child lives with honesty, he learns what truth is . . .
If a child lives with fairness, he learns justice . . .
If children live with recognition, they learn to have a goal.
If children live with sharing, they learn to be generous.
If a child lives with security, he learns to have faith in himself and those about him . . .
If a child lives with friendliness, he learns the world is a nice place in which to live . . .”

Photo by Senjuti Kundu on Unsplash

975 Families are the future of the Church. We should mobilize all the strength of our Catholic families to heed the call of the Church and proclaim the Good News to the world, a world in which more and more people are failing to practice their religion. - Cardinal Francis Xavier Ngyuen Van Thuan.

          
For the month of September, I am going to tackle some random topics in my Spiritual Ponderings.  I encourage you to read and pray over the thoughts I am sharing with you even if you think the topic does not apply to you because God sometimes surprises us.   The first topic is children at Mass. 
 
                Recently friends of mine came up after Mass and apologized for the noise their young son was making during Mass.  This surprised me because I had not noticed their child making any noise.  I told them not to worry about it.  The following week, I guess because I was more attuned to it, I could hear the child making a ruckus.  In order to get to the restrooms in the church that I serve as pastor, parishioners have to get up and walk completely up to the front of the Church and pass within three feet of the ambo before they can make the left turn down the hallway that will eventually lead them to the bathroom.  My pastoral associate, who has four children under the age of seven, calls it the “walk of shame.”  We both laugh because we both know that no parent wants to walk to the bathroom that way during Mass but at the same time it seems that toddlers have a fascination with going to every different bathroom they can.  I firmly believe that Jesus meant what He said: “Let the children come to me and do not prevent them; for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these.  Amen, I say to you, whoever does not accept the kingdom of God like a child will not enter it.” (Luke 18:16b&17).  I therefore consider it a serious sin for anybody in Church to make families with children seriously uncomfortable to the point where they will not come back with their children if at all.  Instead of persecuting families with small children we should be embracing them for they are the future of the Church.  Be kind therefore to them and thank them for bringing their children to Mass. 
 
The following are ten best practices that good regularly Mass attending families have passed on to me.  I offer them only as advice to make your job as parents easier and in no way as condemnation of any past efforts on your part. 
 
1.  Sit Up Front
The number one piece of advice I received from parents who had small children at Mass was to tell people to sit up front.  This allows the child to see what is going on and makes it easier to get them to focus on an appropriate behavior.  For example one mother told me that when ever her small child (I think he is four) begins to get a little rowdy, she will start asking him questions quietly: “what color is the priest wearing?”, “what is the server doing?” etc. 
 
2.  Child Friendly Missal
The second piece of advice I receive is that each child should have an age appropriate missal with lots of pictures.  This allows the child to follow along and connect the actions at the altar with the pages in their book. 
 
3.  Do not reward your child for bad behavior
The hardest part of being a parent, I believe is not to reward bad behavior.  For example a child begins to act up at Mass, so mom or dad takes them to the cry room and lets them run around.  Their bad behavior has earned them a reward: their freedom.  Most parents whose children learn to behave at Mass avoid the cry room and simply go to the back of the Church.  They also if possible resist the temptation to let the child down so that they can run around. 
 
4.  Understand Mass From Their Point of View
Another parent told me that he tries to understand the Mass from their point of view.  He figures that if he was the age of his son, he would see very little different between going to Mass and going to McDonalds.  Both places have a lot of people doing things that he really cannot understand.  At least at McDonalds his son would end up with a happy meal.  He went onto explain that he does his best to talk about how Church is not like a McDonalds but rather is a sacred place.  He points out the holy water fountains, the Stations of the Cross, giant crucifix, and the tabernacle.  He feels that by helping his son discover the differences between places he is helping him to learn how to behave. 
 
5.  Don’t worry so much.  God knows you have Children.  He gave them to you.
Anyone who thinks that children will sit still for an hour and not say a word, maybe more in need of exorcism from Jesus than the child who is running up and down on the pews.   I know as a priest I do not expect children to behave 100% of the time.  I do expect parents to do their best in keeping their children engaged but I know that children will be children and that means there will be times in which they will be loud and full of energy.  God above all knows this, He knows everything.   God is just excited that you came to the family meal as a family. 
 
For my second week of Spiritual Ponderings For September I would like to pick up where I left off on my reflection on the Ten best practices for having children at Mass.  These ten best practices are not so much my ideas but rather the best practices that good regularly Mass attending families have passed on to me.  I offer them only as advice to make your job as parents easier and in no way as condemnation of any past efforts on your part. 
 
6.  Arrive Early
I grew up in a family of six children and we were always late for everything.  Arriving late seemed to set us up as a family for failure.  Dad would be aggravated that we were late.  We, the children, seem to feed off of the negative energy and tension and thus we felt a need to release it by behaving worse than normal.  Over my thirteen years of priesthood, I have found families who purposely come to Mass early so that each member can get settled in and maybe get that mandatory bathroom visit in find it easier to participate in Mass. 
 
7.  Avoid Bathroom Trips During Mass if Possible
Children will be children and they will do about anything to not sit still therefore if the only thing that will get them out of the pew is a visit to the bathroom they will try to arrange a visit.  Having baby sat my nieces and nephews, I know that one is playing a Russian Roulette type game when a toddler tells you that they have to go to the bathroom.  Remember, I (the priest) am not judging you.  So that is your call.  You know your child better than me.  No one else should be judging you either.
 
8.  Avoid Noisy Toys
I don’t mind it when parents bring toys for their children at Mass but I hope that they do not make any noises.  This is another time where it is important to think like your child.  A hot wheel car may not make any noise on its own but your son or daughter may feel compelled to add their own sound effects each time they move the car along the back of the pew. 
 
9.  Avoid Food
A small confession, I have over the years come to dislike the idea of bringing food for children to Mass especially little cheerio type foods.  I know that this is because I am tired of having to clean up all the crumbs and soggy cheerios left behind by a child. 
 
10.  Clean Up After Yourself. 
It is always appreciated if people leave a place that they are at better then when they found it.  Please make sure you wipe up any spills, cheerios, etc.  If you want to go the extra mile take time to straighten out the book racks for your pew. 
 
*Bonus
Make sure that the practice of your faith is something you do throughout the week and not just on Sunday.  A child will make the connection between the Sign of the Cross at the beginning of a prayer before a meal and the Sign of the Cross at Mass.  He will learn that praying requires silence if he is required to be silent in prayer before bed time.  Above all come!!!
 
I am going to conclude today with five quotes about children…
1.  "There can be no keener revelation of a society's soul than the way in which it treats its children."— Nelson Mandela, Former President of South Africa

2.  "Children need models rather than critics."   — Joseph Joubert, French moralist

3.  "Children are great imitators. So give them something great to imitate."   — Anonymous 

4.  "Children are the living messages we send to a time we will not see."   — John F. Kennedy, 35th President of the U.S.

5.  It's the greatest poverty to decide that a child must die so that you may live as you wish." — Mother Teresa

Photo by Ismail Salad Osman Hajji dirir on Unsplash